Judas
by Sakusha
Summary: After coming to know a certian gunman, Wolfwood muses over friendship, trust, guilt and a changing heart


Note from the author: Vash, Wolfwood. Not mine. Are they yours? Could ya spare a doubledollar?

                                                             **Judas**

"G'night Wolfwood."   Vash turned down the oil lamp, crawled into bed and seemingly, instantly, was sound asleep.

Innocently

Trustingly

_Honest to God, the man _sleeps_ like he eats donuts, hard and fast! _Wolfwood took a long envious look. Then his thoughts started in, as he knew they would, had been for several nights now.

I am not your friend 

_I am not your friend_

_I am your Judas_

Laying back on that god awful uncomfortable mattress he stared at the ceiling going over the day's events.

A nasty gun battle. Fighting back to back. Comrades at arms. It was so easy to trust you with my back. To easy. Where did I learn to trust again? You? The man that was said to be the devil himself was something of an enigma. He saw the good in everyone, no matter how minuscule it was. Would he see the good in me? Was there any good in me?

_I am not your friend_

_I am not your friend_

_I am your Judas_

    Suddenly he got irritated with this angel who tainted his life. How can he sleep like that? How can he fight for the same people who hate him? How can he forgive? How dare he. Spouting out quips of love and peace. When all his life _is, _is pain and hate from everything around him. And his _smile_…. They carve his body with bullets of anger, hurl insults at an already bleeding heart, and yet he _smiles! _Albeit, a sad, haunting smile. That says, "_You hurt me, and yet I still love all of you anyway"._ How can he take the pain that is his everyday life? Moreover, why would he want to?

   Those eyes. Sometimes fathomed with such sadness it's touched the very heart of someone who, until he had meet  him didn't know he still had one. Jeez, does this guy have a breaking point? Will_ I _ be his breaking point?

_I am not your friend_

_I can't be your friend_

_Because I am your Judas_

   Silent tears now. Jesus. He touched my heart with those eyes. I didn't want it. Didn't think I needed it. Vash was like a light in a blackened soul, shining light on those things that I thought were better of left forgotten. I told him once,_' When I look at you I'm reminded about everything I hate about myself'._ Why? Because I see the pain, but also the hope in your eyes. An unconditional love and understanding. And I _hate_ it…..because those are the very things that I lack. Man of cloth….so laughable. God it kills me.

   I only wish you had been the very devil they all said you'd be. Wouldn't have had a problem leading you into hell. Wouldn't have had to take a good long hard look at myself, and despise myself  because of it. But it's to late. The dust has been wisped away from my soul, even without my consent. You never asked me if it was ok, you just walked right in and shown that light of yours while I cringed. And now not only do I _see_ everything I hate about myself, but I want those change those things.

_I can't be your friend_

_I want to be your friend_

To hell with Judas 

On the heals of that thought, another; I would take a bullet for this one that  I call friend. In a heartbeat and without a second thought – and not because of the job. Because I want to. Something so pure and innocent in love and trust on this godforsaken planet should be preserved. And _he_ would do it, and not just for him, but for anyone friend or foe. That's just the way he is.  Love, peace, trust, and friendship are just part of who he is. I need these things in my life. You've shown me that. Now what do I do? I give you my friendship but do I give you my complete and utter trust? Do I let you in on my dirty little secret? Ask for redemption? And when you know will it be that final catalyst that breaks you – to the utter enjoyment of your own brother. _Your own_ _brother._ Still can't get over that one – I have a feeling neither would you. How in the hell did I become part of such a maniacal machine that would destroy something so beautiful. God forgive me.

And because of how you are you will go on trusting me.

Because of what  you  are they will come after you

Because of who you are, someday you will find that truth of me

Sleepily, as he drifted into the dreamy haze that he thought he'd never find, a final thought fluttered through his mind;

_I am your friend_

_I will die because I'm your friend_

I am also your Judas 


End file.
